Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
