Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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