Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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