There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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