textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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