Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
