I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
