I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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