I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
