Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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