There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
