I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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