I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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