I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The uberlube is also flammable
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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