i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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