I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
