I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
this is an emotional support booty call
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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