Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
