I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
