If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Randomize
