Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
