mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
