your room smells of hookers.
And success
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
