kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize