I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
