Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
