I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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