He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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