Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
