Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
