Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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