i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
