porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think your dad took our porno
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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