now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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