i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
