Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
