broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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