If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
