no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
