Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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