I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well I just put wine in my tea
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
