are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm jealous of your bromance
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize