It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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