I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
