Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
