I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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