if only i could text you this smell
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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