Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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