I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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