Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
