one word: firstdatebathroomanal
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
