last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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