All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
