just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
