I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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