i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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