And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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