you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
