I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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