I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
