Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
