i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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