you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
