The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
