Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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