I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
