1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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