Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
