i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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