Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
